Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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