Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
