im six kinds of drunk right now
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
