I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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