I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
