how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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