I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
