I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
