Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dear god my vagina.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
