I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
