I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
