There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
