The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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