Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
