It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
