we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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