My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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