I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
