I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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