in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
