I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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