grandma shit on top of the toilet
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
