My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
