I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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