I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
