I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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