So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Randomize
