Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
