I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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