I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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