I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
