you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
