I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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