i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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