I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
