i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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