i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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