My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
