My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
