yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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