I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
