I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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