At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
