I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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