Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
