I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
