Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
