He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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