she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
