Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Randomize
