My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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